hey dad, my teacher is a spartan!
by jarhardar290
Summary: After the wars, John117 was let go, and now he has to teach obnoxious adolescents at a middle school. If war is hell, then for Cheif school is hell TIMES INFINITY! Read and review please.
1. Chapter 1

**In the years after the war, the UNSC needed less and less units, resulting in the letting-go of hundreds of troops. John117 was one of them...**

The elite roared at him, it's energy sword blazing a bright blue. He drew his pistol and fired at the elites head. It's shields flicked, but held. He tossed his spent pistol aside, and grabbed a rocket launcher from the ground. He fired all his rockets, and killed the elite. But flood infection forms crawled out of the floor of the covenant hanger. They mutated the body and seconds later it was a full sized elite combat form. He ran away, a choice he rarely made. But the flood was faster, and caught up to him. He was tackled to the ground and he closed his eyes, while still struggling to break free. But it soon morphed into The Diadact, husband of Librarian. John was chained in electrocuffs, designed to inflict pain when the wearer struggled. The Diadact smiled a evil grin and clenched his left fist. That turned on a stereo system that was around the entire room. The cheif could make out the lyrics over the strangely enjoyable beat. "_what is love, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more..."_ mastercheif' s body started dancing involuntarily and the cuffs zapped him over and over. Now the cheif knew why they said 1990's music made a soldier a war machine. But the Diadact was dead, he realized. And why would he be playing this song? The Diadact slammed a giant teddy bear into his helmet and laughed. Chiefs shields dropped immediately and the beeping

John woke up sweating in his bed, his alarm clock beeping."_I'm really being to hate these nightmares."_. But he h had to hurry. Today was the first day of his new job. He was a teacher at Marshall middle school, a school in northern Virginia. He would be teaching 6th grade science, and would also be a homeroom teacher. Times were tough with all the decommissioned UNSC personnel looking for jobs also. He had been lucky to graduate community college with a teaching degree. Let alone get a job.

He dressed in a semi casual shirt and tie, and picked up his breifcace,and asked out his house. The UNSC had given small rewards to each staff they fired. Very lowest ranks had gotten small sums of cash around 100$, higher up officers had gotten larger rewards and dental insurance. Spartans had gotten smaller cash amounts but received bigger rewards. The Lamborghini sitting in his garage was one of them, along with this home.

He got in his Lamborghini and drove off into the morning. When he arrived at school he stepped out of his car and entered the front door. He checked in at the office and got his security pass. He walked through the halls to his room and set up his desk and prepared a lesson for his classes. It was 8:10AM when the first student arrived in homeroom. The 5'11 inch boy with glasses and combed up hair stumbled into class and tripped over a desk, dropping his stuff and landing on his back. " Sorryal about that mister..."He looked at his desk name. "...John sir." The cheif sighed and thought to himself."It's going to be a loooong year..." He thought as another klutz ran in through the doorway and hit himself fullspeed against John's desk. "A very long year..."

Thanks for reading I'll try to ad more frequently but I don't really have much time, and if you have a character request then pm me!


	2. Teaching

John waited at his desk for all the kids to filter in. When the intercom stopped booming announcements, he stoop and addressed his class. "Hello, I am you homeroom teacher and your science teacher as well. My name is Mr. John and I do not take backtalk. I say something you do it. If you have something to tell me then tell me. Okay?" The class murmured yesses but he could tell they couldn't care less. The bell rung and they all went to their classes. A new batch of children wondered in and sat down. Boys on one side, girls on another side. "I would have thought they would have outgrown that phase. Oh well..." He introduced himself and dove right into the lesson. "Today class we will be learning about fire and different types of fire. Now fire is a vital part of survival and..." the class got bored pretty easily and was about to go to sleep when. BANG! The cheif had set off a small plasma fire on his Indestructible Desk Of Science, crafted in the dark factors of the realm of China. "Plasma fire . the most dangerous type of fire. Not only does it burn, it also emmits gamma rays. It requires extreme medical attention and it leaves permanent scars. As you can see on my arm." John said, pulling up his shirts sleeve to reveal a shiny but hard patch of skin. "Mr. John sir, where did you get that scar?" Asked a boy. The cheif simply replied with:"long story".

_John grabbed his assault rifle from the ground. He pushed himself up off the cold dirt, and looked up. The pelican that had delivered them was now smoking and had flames on it. It was only a matter of time before- BOOM. The pelican had exploded in midair. "Kelly, Linda do you copy" two acknowledgement lights winked on in the top left corner of his HUD display. John was about to give his orders but he saw a wounded marine on the ground near his, and a elite looking straight at the marine. John dashed at the elite, fireing his weapon. He dropped his gun as he leapt onto the elite, brawling and losing his shields in the process. He pushed the elite off him, and it drew its plasma rifle. The mastercheif turned but his arm was hit by the plasma._

MR. John snapped out of his flashback and put his sleeve back down. "Mr. JohnnyWonny, how about you let me see more of that big buff body of yours after class. Hmmm?" Purred a girl with a VEEEERY short skirt, twirling her hair in her fingers. "No," John replied," but I'm sure that the principal would love to show you his big buff expulsion forms!" Now sit down. I'll be telling your parents bout this young... whatever creature you are." The cheif now had a deep and loud voice, like one of a mighty emperor. All the girls went "oooooooooohhh! That's like totally embarrassing, like whatever, yaaaww." . And the boys went. "Saw that one coming.""I farted." " the little b****!" "Dragons? Where!?" One of the boys coughed something that sounded a lot like "slut".

After teaching some other classes it was time for his lunch break. He was walking to the teachers lounge when he got tackled down to the ground. His first instinct was to kill it bit when he saw who it was he recoiled in shock. "Johnson?" He asked. Ret. Gunnery Sargent Avery James Johnson stood there expressionless, as if in a trance. He suddenly yelled" Damm right I am!" And they both started laughing. "Good to see you have crazy nut."Johnson said, putting his arm around chiefs shoulder.

**I'm really short on time, and I feel I haven't updated anything in a while so I finished this chapter as soon as I could. No realy, it's 2:07AM. Please review!**


	3. Chapter 3

John stepped out of his Lambo and into the cold snowy air. He grabbed his suitcase from his ride, and as he was turning towards the school when his face met with a snowball. His mind started racing as soon as he began wiping it off his face. "Dry,not wet like the other, so it's from a source that has been covered all night. on the right side of the face, so the attacker is from the left. Conclusion: the snowball was thrown from the covered waiting area outside the lobby." He thought all this in only 4 seconds, a perk of having brain speed enhancements. He set it aside and made his way into the building, still wiping the snow off his face. He checked into the office and as he took a left to go to his class johnson stepped the bathroom in front of him." Let me .A snowball from the covered waiting area?" He asked playfully, checking his fly. "How did you-"" Same thing happened to me Cheif. And I take it it happened while steppin' out if your car?" John nodded and continued to class.

"Alright class, today we will be learning about the natural life of the Teddyius Bearius, the most ferocious bear of them all. Now open your textbooks to-" stopped. There was bumping in the bumping. And it was getting closer,and closer,and closer,and- a 12pack of firecrackers fell out the vent and onto his desk. The bumping noise continued to move through the vents, away from the class. He looked at the firecrackers. They were lit. "TAKE COVER!" He yelled, diving behind his desk. His class ducked down, a few seconds later the crackers started popping like ! When it was over he quickly looked in the vents. The first thing he noticed was the vents were pretty big, big enough to fit a kid and a medium sized UNSC crate. The sencond thing he noticed was a small set of rails, 1'2feet apart."hmmm, a kid on a small rail based vehicle riding around the school dropping fire crackers. Interesting..."He thought to himself, stroking his small goatee. But the third thing he noticed was a note saying: you will never find me. You will never stop me. I will keep doing this until you surrender - Faye Valeria

John was on his lunch break, studying the note intensely. There were no fingerprints( the Master cheif always kept a can of print dust with him.), And the name"Faye Valeria" didn't show up in any searches. He claimed into the vents. He barely fit, but he could squeeze in. He crawled through the vents, following the rails until he came to a dead end. There in his path stood a black shining door of iron. He examined it closely. It had small carvings of dragons, knights, and of a- that was odd. There was a Spartan in his armor break dancing. And... president Obama mooning Kim Jon Un (I don't know how to spel :p). John just turned around and started back towards his room, for the sake of his own sanity.

**Hi guys , sorry that I haven't uploaded in a while, been having a hard time. And I'm taking character requests if any of you want! R&R please!**


	4. Creepy Crap

"Master cheif...Master CHEEEIIIIIF!" John opened his eyes in a was back at home in his Mylonir MK7 battle suit. He pushed himself off the ground of what appeared to be a weapon armoury on a- oh no. This is the U.N.S.C. Cairo! He looked to his left. There's me and Johnson accepting our medals! The covenant will be here soon! I have to warn- he stopped mid thought. Gunny was standing right there. But there were two gunnys? One of them was looking at a console, but the other was staring straight at him. He spoke:" Listen Cheif, I've made you dream this because I never got to finish my sentence. You must tell Sargent Johnson that he can forget about that attachment for his A-12-" a grunt ran in a shot the living Gunny. The spirit Gunny started disintegrating as the living Cheif came in. "DAAAAAAAAAAMMMMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTT..." Gunny yelled as he faded in to thin air. John woke up sweating, the shotgun Gunny had was resting against the bed he was sleeping in. "Gunny?" He asked, half curious, half scared s***less.

John was was walking to his classroom when he saw a teddy bear in the middle of the hallway. Just a plain, simple teddy bear. A student walked across the hallway, blocking his view. When he could see the teddy bear, it was a foot closer. Cheif rubbed his eyes, and looked again. It was 7 feet away from him. He looked behind himself to see if it was being dragged by a string. It wasn't. When he looked hack the teddy bear was up against his shoe. The Mastercheif, the mighty Demon, reclaimer, able to snap brutes in half with his bare hands, screamed like a little girl."b,!" He ran frantically to the main office, grabbed the gun they kept just in case and shot the bear, which was still following him. "Holycrapholycrapholycrapholrap

Today was going to be a complicated day. The school band had to play a in school concert, and all the student and staff had to squeeze into the small gym. The ceiling and size was perfect for music. When everyone had stopped fooling around the band started playing. It sounded TERIBLE, the trumpets were to high, the low brass to loud, the flutes fell apart, the percussion broke their sticks, and somehow, the French horns tuck a KITTEN down their horn. The band conductor pulled it out and held it up to the world. At t twenty kids all did the "lion king" opening scene. "AHHHHHH,, NAH BEENJA, OONNOO WEECH ONO WA!" The gym erupted into chaos. Students everywhere were yelling and stuff. Then a really fat kid got on the mic:" ITS RIOT TIME!"

**Thanks for reading guys, it's really late now, and I hope you enjoyed. And tell me in the reviews if you think MasterCheif should get a girlfriend. See ya!**


	5. The Quest begins

The air was filled with smoke. Craters from explosions were everywhere. He could hear people yelling and screaming in chaos. He had experienced this to many times... but this was no war... at least not with the covenant... .school.

John pushed himself up off the cold tile floor, looking at his surroundings. He was in the men's locker room, and paint ball stains were everywhere. He tried to remember everything... the in-school concert... the riot... And a strange gold cup. He carefully and stealthily crept into the gym. The place was a mess, papers and pencils scattered everywhere. He was halfway across the gym when 5 robed ninjas dropped from the ceiling. The one in front of him was dressed differently, as if higher rank. John's mind went into protocol one: incapacitate. He missed his first punch, a rare occurrence. He felt a a sharp pain in his back. He pulled out what appeared to be a small dart. His entire back area started to go numb. He was losing. Fast.

Avery Johnson paced back and forth in the small room. He was at wits end. Nearly the entire school had been tranquilized, and a strange group of cult/ninjas were digging in the library. Just like the covenant did for the Ark... " Srt. Johnson, sir!" Johnson turned around to face who had spoke. It was Carter Ashblade, a student of his,who dispute his age seemed to know almost as much as johnson did about war tactics. Odd... "go ahead kid, who got it this time? The boys in A04? Knew the locks aren't good enough." Him, Carter, Jim Franklin, and some mysterious masked girl called "Faye Valeria" were the last that they knew of that had survived. "No sir, it looks like Mr John is in the gym! Sir, it looks like he's in trouble!" Johnson rushed over to the portable security monitor. John was fighting like a regular human, very sloppy for a Spartan. Faye stepped out of the shadows, and spoke through her mask."all the other ones are sleeping but he wakes up only 5 ours after dart impact? Is there something you want to tell us about him johnson? Involving the military career he almost never mentions?" Johnson hastily ran toward the exit of the chamber. "No time to talk, must save John! Faye, fire up the engines!" Faye ran after Johnson, out the strange door with carvings on it, and into the vents. She got down on her little rail based vehicle,and the four of them were off. Off to save John.

Mastercheif was almost exhausted from the fighting. The ninjas were using some drug in him, and the effects were obvious. He was about to submit when he heard a familiar"clunk,clunk,clunk" in the vents. The first thing that came to his mind was firecrackers. And just as he thought that, a 24pack of them dropped from the vents, as did Johnson on a drop cable. The fire crackers started exploding, and Johnson grabbed chief. He yanked twice and he was pulled up faster than a smg fired.

Johnson sat down the mastercheif on a chair, back in Faye Valeria' s hideout. "Listen man, I want to know how the hell you held out so long out there! Everyone who got darted, dropped within 30 seconds. S o why didn't you get stunned?!" Johnson looked at cheif and nodded. Chief let out a big sigh and explained how he was a Spartan and how johnson was technically one too."holy crap!"said Jim Franklin, who has done nothing the entire story. The cheif stopped and starred at Jim. "Say that again!" "Holy crap" John's expression changed to disbelief."holy crap indeed!Holy,holy,HOLY!I remember what the golden cup was!"

He looked at all the robed ninjas digging in the library."Their digging for the holy grail!"

**hey guys, this chapter I thought I'd do something new. Crazy ninjas, the return of the infamous Faye Valeria, and a school under siege. I got the inspiration for the holy grail part from Monty python's holy grail. Good movie, you should watch it. I also sent my crush on a quest for the holy grail today. Bye Read and review!**


	6. The Library of Laughter

John crept through the hallway, gun drawn. Well, it wasn't a gun, more of a empty gluestick holder with a rubber band taped on, pencil dream back like a bow. It was powerfull, painful, but it had a ASTOUNDING range of 20-45 yards. John,Johnson,Jim,Carter, were on their way to the library (Faye was en-route in her VentMobile to provide support. Haha, "ventmobile"...) , where the invaders were digging for the most holy and legendary Grail ever. Their plan was to take them by surprise, and repel them until they could enter the cave system they had found under the library. They paused just outside the door. They waited until they heard the familiar "clunkclunkclunk". They heard a firecracker pack drop in the library." Soul druid of tacos, what is this strange and unnatural object?" He heard once ask in a hushed tone. "It is what the outsiders call "firecrackers". I belive they are used for making noise, that is their purpose oh Oblivion walker of frost." They crackers started going off as he finished this. The gang rushed in, opening fire on all the Grail Ninjas. Pencils were flying through the air, and one GB screamed:"MY ASS! MY BEAUTIFUL ASS! THERE'S A PENCIL IN MY BUTT!" He ran out the room, crying, one hand on his backside. Johnson stoped firing for a second and said" cheif, I knew I would fight another day, but not against damm cult ninjas! And certainly not alongside my own students!"

Jim looked up and saw the ninjas were bowing their heads and muttering, all holding the same golden ball, which had a cross on could barely hear what they were saying. It sounded like...:"oh bless thy holy hand grenade, that I may blow thine enemies to bits..." Jim stood up from behind his cover."Hey freaks! Your making a Monty Python refrence in a halo fanatic!And even though it's from a movie about finding the holy grail, that's still a fourth wall breaking!" "Movie nerds!" Faye yelled from the vents. Carter Ashblade stood up too."yes, not only that, but your supposed to use that on the killer rabbit! And besides, we're in the 24th century! The holy grail would have been found by now!" Johnson, mastercheif also joined in. The chief yelled across the torn up library."and if your so keen on references to that movie, then how about this! WHAT?!,,, is you favourite color?" "Tis' black oh wise one!" "WHAT?!,,, is your quest?" "To find the holy grail, and world domination!" John asked the last question at the brave cultist."WHAT?!,,,, is the air speed velocity of a swallow?!" The Grail Ninja thought for a moment and replied:" it English of African?" John grinned, and yelled:"AFRICAN!"

"...I don't know-" the GB was intimately thrust into the Endless Pit of Peril, which had just appeared only for that special moment. Suddenly, jarhardar290 got tired of having to include Jim, so Jim toon a nap right then an there, after the gang had cleared out the library. And Jim was left behind to rest. And that's the last we will talk about Jim. Faye had jumped down from the vents. "My mini sonar tells me there's a massive chamber in there. The gang proceeded via rocket boots, curdosty of Faye. They saw a strange glowing object ahead. John recognised it to late. They COUDNT stop the boots in time, and they were sucked through the portal, into a place that would be revealed in the next chapter.

**Thanks for reading g guys! I tried to pack as much insanity as possible into this chapter, and you have to see Monty python' s holy grail to understand one or two of the jokes. Read and review! And send me character requests if you want your character in this quest for laughter. Bye!**


	7. Portals

The mastercheif and his small band of survivors came flying uncontrollably out the mystery portal under the school. He could see that he was in a completely black room, except for a few purple braced for the floor but something was wrong. That smell, the strange feeling-he hit the floor, expecting pain. But instead he was greeted by a *thump*, and that beeping noise. John stood up, fully suited in his Mylonir M7 armour, same as when he last saw it. But a grunt from behind him caught his attention. He turned to see Johnson, Carter and Faye all in armor too. "So this is what it feels like..." Johnson said to himself, looking at his new battle suit. "Bloody hell!" Carter exclaimed, recoiling in shock. Faye was grinning hard under her helmet. "Imagine what I could do with THIS!"she thought. Images of buildings falling, cars flying into the moon, and skydiving with no parachute, flooded into Faye Valeria' s mind.

John flipped on his helmet light. The dark room turned out to be a compartment on a covenant ship of some sort. John reached for his weapon, whatever that was. It was Old Reliable, the trusty Assault Rifle, with a smg as well. Johnson had a shotgun (no surprise there.) , Carter had a DMR and a SAW, and Faye had a strange sword."Faye, what kind of sword is that?" Carter asked. "It's a Dragonbone sword." Johnson turned and looked at Faye like she was insane." I advise you step away from that sword, or crazy stuff is about to happen." Johnson said, slowly backing away. "Why? I like by his sword! It's nice and sharp! Besides, what's going to happen?" Faye asked, a sassy look under her helmet. Carter spoke." He's right. Using a item from another video game, will most likely cause another thing from that game universe to appear. And you don't want much to appear from the Elder scrolls universe. Trust me." Carter's tone was serious, and he to started backing away. "Somethinhs going to RANDOMLY appear? Like what?-" Faye was cut off when the Dragonborn emerged from a random portal and took her sword." Sorry, but I'm going to need that!" He disappeared back into the portal. Faye started pouting and stomping. "That was my sword! How dare he take it! I out to-" she was again cut off when she turned around and her face was inches away from that of Mercahus Dagon, Dadric Prince of evil. "Bow before me mortal! BOOOWWWWWW!" John, Johnson and Carter bowed, but Faye slapped him on the cheek. Dagon started bawling like a baby and vanished back into his portal. Random people appeared for 20 minutes, including batman, Vegata, Sherlock Holmes, Mario And last but not least: The Stig. She finally met a teenage version of James Bond, and was immediately infatuated with him. She disappeared into his portal, yelling:"be back soon!ish..."

"Wow,"said Carter. That was a long paragraph. Yep. It was.

The group(now three) heard some grunts outside. They rushed out the room, their armor shining. "Cue heavy metal theme!" Johnson yelled, grinning that baddass grin of his. **/heavy-metal-halo-remix-play/ **done johnson! "Thanks!" Johnson yelled to the author of this story. Heavy metal started blasting out invisible speakers. The Spartans and the Covenant deranged fire, but a new group of 20 brutes popped up out of nowhere. One of them shot Carter until it landed a spike in his foot. He dropped to his knees,holding in the pain. Suddenly he screamed "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-!"

**So so sorry about not posting this earlier, but I was doing other stuff a lot. Hope you enjoyed!**


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